even though i don't dance anymore i still love looking at and dreaming up ballet leotard designs - not stage costumes, you understand, but regular leotards for class. and as i read ballet reviews online i wonder if i should try again and start ballet classes. i passed a school at porter square the other day and wanted to go in but then kept walking. perhaps i could go and try a class, but my shoes, leotards and skirts are in singapore. i did think of bringing them just in case. i didn't because my suitcases were overflowing and there's a part of me that said, ai woman! give it up already! and so i didn't.

i think that most of the time i regret stopping ballet, but but really, how did we do it then? at RJ we start at 7.40, i'm in class till 5.10 every day. that's barely enough time to get something to eat and change and present myself for ballet class at 7.15 at marine parade, and that's by bus, from ghim moh, in the evening traffic! and then you get out of class and have to go home to hougang it is nearly 10 and between a shower and leftovers from dinner it's 11 and you have to be up at 5.30 the next day so that you won't miss the 6.15 111, and still have to get your homework done and sleep. three times a week of that i don't wonder i gave it up. the only thing that i don't understand is how - when ballet was so much a part of my life - i have never been able to start again.

i keep trying to start. and then i would trot down to the ymca or one of the orchard dance studios and sign up for an adult ballet class and after two months or so i would stop again. i don't keep at it because at every class i go to i have to face the reality that i haven't the stamina or strength any more, i get all crampy and looking at my feet it's like i've never heard of the concept of an arch. i've put on far too much weight in the last eight years and am self-conscious about my body in a dance class. and it takes time and work and i get depressed before giving it the time in question. and now i've got a bad ear for the balancing. i go to class and end up feeling sorry for myself but mostly frustrated because i still know what to do and how to do it - but the body can no longer perform. so when i decided against bringing my ballet things i really mean that maybe i should give up the idea of dancing altogether and accept that even if i kept at it it's all too late and i won't be able to get back to what i ever was. and this revival of the desire to go to ballet class is probably like all those false starts i've made thus far. well no matter. i've had a change of heart. perhaps i could ask them to send my things. if i could just start - in a beginning technique class - just to work on technique and strength - one hour a week, then two hours, for maybe six months, and then move up to four hours - i think would feel a lot happier.