tuesday afternoon i was coming out of the library and it began to snow. i sat on the edge of a flowerbed and swung my legs and waited for the bus and went to the supermarket and bought nectarines and apples and tinned soup and 3 pairs of pantyhose. i ran into elaine banner and also erez natanblut, my greek ta from last year - my eyes weren't swollen then, yet - and i can tell the red had gone out of my nose - it didn't feel tight anymore. so i smiled and made small talk and said nothing about charles vandersee and then i came home again and calmly put my things away and went to bed early. i saw the obituary the next morning - dean sofka sent an email - so i ran across the road to get a copy of the school paper, and he was on the front page, along with a photo taken at least 20 years ago - he doesn't wear a tie to school and didn't then either. in it his sister said he knew the best restaurant in every city. a memory came to me of coming back to school one august and him saying to me that a new restaurant had just opened in the train station. that made me start again. quickly i showered and dressed for school and went to greek. hello andy hello paul hello amanda hello are you new in this class? i underlined important things on the syllabus and volunteered to translate and with different coloured ink marked down quizzes and midterm and final dates on my calendar. i went to my hist of lit survey and idly checked off works i had read and was given a slip of paper with section options and after crossing out clashing times and carefully avoiding the sections of people i knew i looked around the room and then signed up for the section of the cutest ta left. i ate a sandwich under a tree afterwards and read the introduction of my herodotus on how ionic greek differs from attic and then i queued up for 2 hours because everyone else was waiting to see professor milbank too. i was dry-eyed and composed and going about my business not *feeling* very much about anything until back in my room in the late afternoon where everything i've heard the entire day and before made me feel cold and lonely and angry all at once i don't understand how everyone seems to have only platitudinous things to say - half the people i talked to said this should be a lesson to us to be mindful of our own mortality etc, and the other half said well it must have been very quick he mustn't have suffered. what's that got to do with anything? the human condition etc etc etc but why isn't anyone simply crying and saying oh yes oh yes we loved him too. he was alive and now he is dead and we will never be able to hear him speak or bring him things or trade jokes and news and insults. can't pound on his door and stick your head in and say oy anymore. he said he was looking forward to meeting my parents at graduation my mother was just asking over break what gift they should bring for him and i was thinking barbara nolan likes good tea leaves and scarves and prof nohrnberg probably a scroll of chinese calligraphy although i hadn't chosen the line of poetry for it yet and charles vandersee i laughed to think maybe we'll bring him a batik orchid shirt for fun. i went to his office in the end and stood in front of the door and then i went away quickly, because i was afraid someone would come along and say: he's not there. haven't you heard? his office was on the ground floor and he had a window - and when i walked out of the building i had a horrible wish to go around to the side and look in at his office but i didn't. i suddenly remembered he had a large encyclopedia of names and places on a shelf near where i always sit and i used to leave it open at "singapore". i wonder when they will move his things out and whether i could ask his sister to let me have the little card on his door that has his name and office hours and the message i'm often here at other times. i came home and opened the box and ate all the chesnut ricecakes that were meant for him. they were very sweet and very sticky and i felt sick and miserable i don't know from the cake or from anything else and i was curled up in bed waiting for a phone call and i cried and i cried and i cried and then i fell asleep.