for all my - lackadaisical entries these few days - and what seemed - like - cheerfulness - and long termed planning - and a sense of - a future - and small happinesses - that no one - i don't think - could tell - could possibly have known - the truth is that - over the weekend - and increasingly after - that i was really two of me - the one that was going about life - and then there was an entirely differnt part of me that - knew - wanted - to die.

not tennysonian oblivion but really - tired of it all. i wanted it to - end. this is a - hard thing to admit - that - it is not anyone - no - simply - i just - wished it.

that is - one reason - i was not doing my work and going around saying goodbye - a double goodbye to people - and - for taking stock of my books and buying things excessively - because - on some level - i did not expect to - live.

nothing, no one was the cause - no one should think so - i merely - was - afraid - and trapped - by what i knew i could not - escape. not through - anything dramatic - only - to let myself waste away - physically and mentally - which is - whole days and nights of - lying in bed unmoving, unthinking, waking in and out of dreams. i have not - in my life - come so close to wanting it.

i have - since - yesterday - decided to try again, to want to live again. having found - some - strength - belief - to think that - desire to die - not foolish but - inappropriate - but - i am - truly - behind now - that - i may - be ruined anyway - but - i must try.

this all does not - make sense - no one will understand. i don't still want to. but i did. and now i am - paying for it.