this morning, minyin called at 6 to be sure i would be awake. quickly read everybody's journals, and saw cindy's entry this morning was - for herself - naturally, but also in a way meant for me, i know, because of what we'd been talking about last night. have you ever wondered, she asks, why you shouldn't die? it is not, she says, that we don't know that much is there to be looked forward to, that friends and lovers would care - but that if we were to die now we wouldn't even struggle against it. that, i suppose, is a good way of putting it. not actively seeking death, but tired enough not to be resisting it either.

i am calmer now, after a brief sleep. not angry, agitated, weepy. no. just a mild - certitude - that i would be found wanting, and going to it with a dark sadness.