i wish i wasn't so miserable. i am. should there be any reason? no, i'm graduating, i've got my thesis in, all i have to do is to get through three piddly exams, and then it's just sailing from engagement to engagement, time to catch up with friends and fun books and then a relaxing time ahead. this should be good instead i feel like nothing is worth trying for and that i'm just going to ruin the semester magnificently by gettings Cs in every class. which well looks like will happen this week. i can't even push myself to study. even at the best of times i couldn't much less now. and yet it is now more than at any other time that i need to work.

senioritis? burnt out from school? no. i can't wait to go to more school - all i want to do is to go to the library and start reading everything it holds - the canonical and the obscure, read biographies and criticism and poetry, read translation theory and european history and victorian essayists. read fairy tales and genre theory and medieval lit crit. and to write, not least, for this moment, my chapter on the riddle's "you" and the riddle's "it", which i'm pretty mad about because i'm cooped up with all this - tosh - to get on with, while the chargedness of it all is slipping by and i don't want to have to pick up the riddle's you from scratch. but if i'm sick of school, it's because i'm sick of college, and have been for a year or so, i want to go to grad school so bad you have no idea. or i don't even want that, i think i don't like the idea of being put through more hoops. i want to really study on my own. read books, think, write

i am just very tired of college. supremely tired of it. and i know too that i have given up on my classes even v early on in the semester, telling myself that i'll worry about catching up after the thesis, only after the thesis i find that i've already completely lost interest in them and in the motions of school. i think - they require a great deal of work, all these classes, and yet they are not in the least satisfying. what is wanted is not - inspired thinking and synthesis, just, grubbing work or superficial lessons. and the thesis both gave me something else to do so that i didn't have to face the insipidity of it all, and gave me an excuse to ignore them so that i could say, this is more important, i'll catch up later, afterwards, another day, and put it all away and now it's too late to catch up and i'm feeling the full strain of it. but there is also mentally giving up. that i am not even, at this point, cramming to get through the next few days as best as possible, because in a way i *want* to fail. because i hate everything so much and just want to - not try. and failing is obviously not a good way to show i hate the classes, since i'm going to the be the only victim of this destructiveness, but i am angry and purposeless and oh great now i've just burst into tears. i can't say why i'm so angry. angry about myself mostly. there was an extreme exhaustion just after turning in the thesis that made me simply want to hibernate and not care. and then just waking out of that for entirely separate reasons i then plunged into - what someone else has called - the abyss - and did not wish to try anymore - and now i'm only just - pulling out of that and yet only - half heartedly.

i want to get out of this rut.