and now panic breaking over the hollowness. paralysed, maybe not, but feeling vaguely defeated. why? exams? can this be a fear of exams? exams are some of the things i least fear - mostly because i joke and complain about them all the time, indulge in negative fantasies, and then again and again, despite panicking, i go into it and then somehow, with enough presence of mind and drawing on everything else i already know, like a cat i land on my feet. i get worried, and sometimes i go in and say what the heck and give up, but i am not ultimately truly afraid of, stressed out by exams. i have never have felt this way about them - this prolonged fear over days, extreme sickness of heart, this overpowering notion that i am going to fail and also knowing well that i am not doing anything to stop it from happening because some part of me has given up long ago. yt said, how did (do) you get yourself into this situation? i said, i've always been getting into these situations and then getting out of them breezily. but this time some part of me has wanted to give up and has consciously or unconsciously got myself some place so impossible where i will now watch myself destroy myself. is this what it is? how did i get here. a systematic letting go. first with the greek, then 382, then latin, and eventually nothing is left. if i am making any effort at all - it is in someways only a false gesture. something i don't even believe in. it would have been better if i had just let go last week and not try. i so desperately need people.