i shall be leaving soon for home - but for the first time in my life i can't even look forward to that, i only feel dull fear and anxiety. unlike the trip home in january, all i can think of now is how much there is to do - and wishing i could postpone my return again - to get more of it done now - rather than take work home. work taken home is always more oppressive than work done at school. and much as i need my people and support - it's very hard to live at home if you're depressed, because you have to think of the parents, and how you will alarm them and cause them much anxiety - much better that they don't know - and how that concealment becomes itself a further source of unhappiness. here in cambridge i am unhappy, but i have the space and freedom to be unhappy. i'll probably pull another all-nighter and try to finish this essay and email it off before i leave. i'm starting to lose the thread of my argument - but it's too late to start over - i have already got about 10-12 pages that i'm definitely keeping, and i anticipate it being somewhere in the region of 20-30 pages when finished, but preferably 20. saves time. (how did we get this less is best mentality anyway? was talking to a few other grad students the other day and found we're all suffering from the same syndrome - in college we used to write beyond the upper limit out of sheer enthusiasm but nowadays we aim for the lower limit so that we can get the damn things over and done with. not enough though, or i would have turned in this bloody paper ages ago) at some point i should actually pack because for goodness sake i don't want to miss my flight. and also go to the post office to see about my mail forwarding. or should i not bother. i've told eveyone to mail me at my singapore address and i'm not expecting important mail. have more widener books that must be returned. perhaps i should return them at lamont and then go in to the department to clear my mailbox and photocopy things i need instead of bringing the whole book home. copyright, hah. why else does the department give us free photocopying?