did the rain last all night? each time that i woke up i thought i heard it, and this morning, when i got out of bed at 6, there was still a trickle of rain. i am waiting for people to wake up so that i can turn my music on a little louder - wagner's tristan and isolde prelude - addy loves this too, i think.

a long night of dreams - not nightmares - just dreams - one after another. and each time i opened my eyes the lights are blazing i have left all of them on and thoughts are rushing through my head and i wanted sleep again. so that i hardly felt i was falling into dreams than falling into waking.

i feel - calmly - i do not know if accepting is the word - accepting is too - volitive, even if the word seems to imply passivity. i'm not placing down weirs for the tigerish waters in the heart. nor - even - bowing down to fate and saying - yes - this is - the end - the end

it is not acceptance - more that -

after great pain, a formal feeling comes.

but that is a kind of relief too