listening to depressing songs again. i keep feeling these two lines refer to me.

	是贪点儿倚赖贪一点爱
	旧缘该了难了换满心哀

		葬心 ~ 电影<阮玲玉>插曲

i don't know why i'm so unhappy tonight. perhaps it's sitting here, putting things away, fingering the familiar letters tied in green satin ribbon - i don't read them anymore - and feeling another year has passed. or perhaps it is the mere act of packing, and waiting, and gazing out of the window. your body remembers a similar occasion, remembers it as a slight, and recreates that sorrow and anger. 旧缘该了难了 exactly. and isn't 难了, 难了 the refrain of that other song we all know so well? maybe it's that i'm getting tireder too. 芳华怕孤单 is truest for a woman, isn't it? these flower-like years are dark without you. if you have not thought this it must be because the english language doesn't have a word for 缘. i feel infinitely old.