this is a moratorium of sorts. i'm sorry.

not that that is why i started a blog. it was a way for friends to stay in touch and to know what's happening in my life, also a place to rant, and a place to make reading notes, or to think aloud, and a way of creating little signposts and places to stop and to take stock of my life. in some ways it still is all that, but i don't like what i'm writing anymore - nor have the energy to blog about the things i really want to. it's just - maniac energy and being on weekend highs and blogging 10 or 12 entries a day that are totally inconsequential and that don't really reflect the other half - the unhappy half that can't speak - has lost the ability to speak, except by hinting badly or stating baldly. at the same time, i think that perhpas this is a way of getting away from writing for school - it is a place for the writing to go - and so it does. when i was happy my blogs were good and so was my work, and now that i'm unhappy i can't produce the academic writing, and feel distressed, and i keep producing bad writing here, and feel disabled.

blogging gives me a place to think, makes me think. and i can't afford to think anymore. i just need to get through the semester quietly, sedately, artificially, supervised, meek-and-mildly, i don't know what else-ly and stop being heart-on-sleeve and excitable. so i am going to stop blogging and stop going to class and stop seeing people and stop leaving my room and stop anything-ing and sit down and do some old-fashioned studying and reading and writing and take my medication and be completely alone and be quiet and sedate and work and a thing at a time.