when minyin and i had just stood up from our lunch at mos an old man darted up to our table and i thought he had been waiting for a table but as we walked out i saw him rife through the remnants on our tray, and finding nothing (minyin is fastidious about finishing food) he slunk away. he was just a few seconds too fast coming to our table or i would not have been paying attention to what happened after and i felt sorry for him i would gladly have bought him a meal if he would ask me, but he didn't and i don't see how i can offer afterall i couldn't be sure he wouldn't be insulted; for that matter that might not even be what he was doing although i am hardpressed to think what else it could be. and i know there are some old folks like that, in hawker centres especially, scavenging for leftovers because they can barely afford to buy food. and i hate it that in this country of all this happens. i wish i hadn't seen him but i had and i can't not do something about it. i would prefer to ask him directly if i could buy him lunch - but minyin thought that was a terrible idea and would be more hurtful if i was afraid of offending him, and how could i have made my intentions clear especially when i can barely speak teochew or hokkien? so in the end i went to four leaves and bought two buns and a bottle of juice, and then again i was trapped because i didn't know how to give it to him - or if i should at all. i didn't know whether i was more afraid he would shout at me or thank me. on the whole i thought that i'd rather make a mistake and have him yell than for him to be hungry and i hadn't lifted a finger, although at the same time neither could be a kind position for him to be in - just because someone has to resort to scavenging does not mean he doesn't have his pride and perhaps he prefers it his way and what i did would only hurt him more. and i said to minyin do you think i'm being kaypoh and she said yes and then i started crying like an idiot, which maybe surprised myself too because this usually happens only when i'm with kenneth or von, a paradoxical mix of indignation and chastisement arising from the sense of being chided for doing something which you are compelled to do but everyone else thinks you're a fool to. i wanted to help him and i didn't know how to and i felt so sorry for him and yet i didn't know whether i was doing the wrong thing and i know i am always doing things that people think i'm such a dashed idiot to do, or at least, if i were talking to kg would say is an impulsive dharmaish thing to do that can have v embarrassing consequences because it's so impulsive. and i don't know, you know, why i was so upset, or whether i'm sorrier or angrier, and why anybody has to be in a position to scavenge for leftover food, or even, that they have to be in a position to accept help this way - because whether he thanked me or hated me for it, i've fairly shown i had seen and understood his actions and pitied him for his state, and what kind of position is that to put someone else in? and i was angry that it was in my power to do something to help so that i would never have not helped but there wasn't a way i can do it without also being the one to humiliate him. in the end minyin said look yes i think you're an idiot but a kind idiot and if you believe in what you want to do then do it so i blew my nose and went up to the old man and he could see me heading right for him a mile away and given the bag i held my intentions were clear and anyway he has probably been v uncomfortable for the last 20mins that i kept circling mos and stealing glances at him but i think i knew that part about the food was going to be okay because he smiled at me and i put the bag down beside him and dashed out without looking back and i feel very weird and dammit i've just started crying again.