i shall give up dining out with people forever and ever. as if it wasn't disgraceful enough when heath was here last night i was shocked at how completely i have lost the will to speak in unfamiliar company. von has been accusing me of reluctance to talk all year when eating with his friends and this is true i like his friends and am interested in what they say but it's as if i have forgotten how to talk and when i do talk it costs so much effort to even be coherent or to make a germane contribution. and lately i depend so much on von to do the talking i have got to the point where i have to deliver all my new friends to dunster so that they can at least engage in any humanly-decent conversation at all which i am no longer able to provide. last night i had dinner with a very nice couple whom i really like and wanted to know better and i was paying attention to the conversation as i always do but i just couldn't speak all i could was to nod mutely. this happens increasingly i don't know what the matter is with me but even in the light of my habitual reticence this was ridiculous and embarrassing. clearly i am the most abysmal companion anyone can have the misfortune to share a meal with and if i have to go on boring others and appalling myself the only way out is to never again dine out with people i haven't known all my life. so that's that.