sometimes i imagine that i were living in an orphanage, not mistreated necessarily, but just deprived of all the ordinary pleasures afforded the average child, having no possessions, and perhaps at christmas people might give unwatned or defective toys to us. and if i got robert dudley, i would love him a lot, and i wouldn't mind his grumpy face and his awful clothes and bumpkin appearance and the odd growth on his left hand and his stiff joints and his sickly skin and his unpleasant fierce eyes. he'd be my only friend and i'd hug him to sleep and love him more than the plushest teddy bear. it makes me feel a lot more apologetic and affectionate towards robert dudley. sometimes i think he is like that orphan. he waits in the shop and can't help getting me, instead of a nice child, and i never took much notice of him until now. i let his ear be skewered by von. i don't wonder he hates it here. and i'm horribly repentant, and i wish he'd be happier and accept that unsuitable as i am he has got me.