i still haven't got my new york tickets. i could have done that a week ago, but i keep putting it off. i don't want to leave charlottesville, although there is nothing to stay for - i just said "nothing to stay for" as if i do not care for it - as if - like a tragic character in a novel i have been disillusioned by the place, denied its love or acceptance, hurt into exile - and the truth is the exact opposite of all that - but what is it i can do lingering here like a lost child - what i care for most i cannot take with me. what is it i am putting off then? my life in charlottesville is over. i have left nothing behind and done nothing for anyone, and what i care so much about is not anything that can be taken with me. i do not want my ticket to new york yet - i do not want, now, to think of that black date. but why stay? i'm staying on for a few days after graduation - just to read, and to feel that charlottesville is here around me

i need to sit down and write meaningful letters to thank all those people who have written to me over the past few days to congratulate me on graduating. i have put that off too. i feel as if if i write now i can only say plastic, trite words to them - i need time - to know how i feel - before i can respond.

i can't bear to leave

was it easier leaving singapore? 18 years of home and then getting on a plane headed to nowhere you knew. that was frightening too, except that the fear only came afterwards. i was reintroduced to denis ferhatovic's parents today at the english department reception. his parents will miss him when he is at graduate school - and he's only going up to yale! i understand how they feel, but i can hardly be expected to sympathise really - look at where i come from and where i'm going to school! we're all tender beginners.