i have been experiencing - mild - but definite - mental lethargy. a kind of dull unthinking. in some ways i feel i'm disassociating myself with charlottesville - it all seems very far away. on the other hand i have not yet figured out what i am doing at home. part of this has to do with the enormity of uprooting - yet again, and part of it must be what every new college grad feels - the emotional vacuum of leaving school and not quite knowing what to do with herself. i have a vague idea that i'm going back to school in august. the idea that it is - over - for now anyway - can't quite penetrate. there's also a part of me that knows - dully - knows in a cerebral sense - not really knowing with your heart - that i am not. and the contradictory knowledge puts everything on hold. there is no - urgency. the heat is not helping. i'm not making much of an effort to readjust my sleeping patterns so i'm still going to bed at 10 and waking again at 4 in the morn. i was - homesick - for cville my first night - and i've been having dreams of charlottesville, of people i knew at school - i've only been home four days, it seems longer. on the other hand i know from experience that - much as i miss charlottesville or singapore, to a certain extent whenever i'm in one place i must shut out the other for a time. i told people i'd call or write when i get home, but haven't called - or written - because i am not even sure of what i feel. i feel - very tired - mentally - and i don't want to - make small talk about the weather or my day (especially i don't want anyone to ask - how are you? what are your plans? i don't know myself), although to talk about anything that isn't small talk - is even more exhausting - and i don't want that just now, even though avoiding thinking is, i feel, unlike me. but i simply don't want, for the time being, to think about these things. i don't even know what i think or feel about anything right now. i don't much feel like writing to anyone - since i came home i haven't even written to professor nohrnberg to say that i have arrived, although on saturday i dropped bob a 3 liner saying "home. bloody hot. will write when more awake", and i never did reply to his longish reply to that, even though it's getting past wriggleroom for politeness. i'm not in the mental state to talk to people either. i try to make myself write my journal, to make myself be here, so that others will know i am here, even though these entries are half-hearted and lacklustre. and i dread them calling me. by 8 in the evening i start to looking the phone worriedly. at same time i wonder, why haven't they called me, why don't they email me, don't they know i miss them and want to feel they're still with me? and somewhere in this all i keep trying to tell myself that i've been back just four days, just four, and i need to relax, to stop - wanting things to make sense immediately. cindy and i are going out tomorrow, and then to see a play tomorrow night, and thursday i'll see min-yin. things will start to become - normal, slowly. i miss von, i think. this will be the first summer that he isn't in singapore. and having von here helps me feel i'm home. but maybe i'll get by anyway.