as von no longer has a blog i feel it my duty to reproduce his funnier mass mails here. so here is his recentest, found at mcsweeney's review of new foods.

SoyNut Butter, Submitted by Leah Strauss

Somebody stole the letter A and yesterday's apostrophes. Or maybe the people doodling in their cubicle at the marketing department for SoyNut Butter have just spent a little too much time in the chatroom. How else do you explain the slogan "I.M. Healthy" that wraps its letter arms around the pseudo-peanut-butter jar? Chatroom Yoda says, "2 much time computer u on 4."

Personally, the fitness of a nut spread is not something I am qualified to verify. It waddles into the land of subjectivity. If a jellyfish sheepishly rolled the eyes it doesn't have upward toward you and said, "I am healthy," then thundered, "Eat me, biotch!," you'd be left to take it at its word and down the sucker. The jellyfish may very well be in top form for a cnidarian, but the chances of you being an expert and in possession of a pocket stethoscope are rather slim. The jellyfish never said it was healthy for you, just that it assays itself as primed for Jazzercise, headband or no.

While "I.M. Healthy" may well be an empirically irrefutable claim, there is one assertion, placed as a side thought at the base of the jar, that is worth questioning. SoyNut Butter demands recognition as "jelly's new partner." There is a certain gravity to this ostensibly inoffensive jest. First of all, jelly knows where its loyalty lies. Secondly, peanut butter may be creamy and delightful, but push the wrong buttons and an ancient rage awakens.