there is no extension. it is against departmental policy and the director of the program refused an extension last week so it wouldn't be fair that i got one. these reasons are fair, and though i regret the rigidity i can accept this. but i am deeply hurt that she was openly unkind, to the point of insinuating that i hadn't been able to produce anyway.

i have more or less lost heart.i almost feel as if i'm now doing it to meet a deadline, but emotionally, i feel as if it's not quite worth it anymore. i have to keep peptalking myself to go on.

i do not think that, in times of need, your own advisor should not only have failed to provide sympathy, encouragement and support, but to have been insensitive and to have shown a lack of trust and lack of confidence.

the only comfort is how nohrnberg is fully supportive, and has shown me alternatives. he wrote last night: "This is a time to be courageous and even, I daresay, accepting. If the thesis does not work out this go-'round, well, then, its real benefits will have to be postponed, but not necessarily scrapped or lost."

he also said that if it does not happen, then so be it. i have enough credits to graduate, without a thesis, and that i have learnt so much from the year's work that i will be able to take this up again in graduate school. and i feel incredibly grateful for what he has said, to try to go on.

bob reeder has been very supportive through all this. "call whenever you want to" he said. and also "i believe in you, nohrnberg believes in you, you will finish and it will be good!"

if i finish this, good or not, i will build that shrine, i swear it.