i feel so - cluttered - with information - ideas - that i can't write!!!!!!

too many perspectives, too many people, TOO CROWDED IN HERE.

and yet also hollow - too little knowledge - too little ability. if i can force it out, it will be untimely-ripped, too early - too deformed.

i wish to goodness bob reeder wasn't out of town this weekend i need to talk to someone comforting and experienced. and i only really have nohrnberg to turn to and even then i'm shrinking from him because i think he'll be too - at this point, i don't know if i want anybody's confidence, or their non-confidence. the confidence is pressure - you know that you will let them down, no matter what you do. i feel paralysed nearly thinking of the disappointment that must ensue - is this the kid we thought would do such a good job? oh but see!

but you need the confidence too - it is a mirror, something outside of yourself, that helps you see you're doing okay, something to help you see yourself.