last night i wrote several more long and bitter and self-aware and sad and angry entries but i've decided to take them down. it is enough i have written them and thought them out for myself.

in those days, at first, i tried being patient griselda - i always think everything is a test of devotion, then i repressed all memories, and now, since it will out, i can learn also to be honest about my own anger and jealousy and insecurity.

and besides, i'm absolutely immoderate when it comes to self-pity, and i'm rather afraid if i put up all those entries yvonne would come and thump me.

clearly the way ahead is to put your own life in order - to actually give a damn what sayers says: invest your time and energy in honest work. love your friends, share laughter, good conversations, comfort, silliness, words - and at the same time, concentrate on acquiring new skills and solid knowledge, shaping the work, and developping what evans calls intellectual honesty, which he defines as not mouthing easy criticism and really thinking hard about the work. i'm here at a school which vast resources are still boggling to me and i have made good friends and live in two cities i can call home. i ought try harder, really.