a week ago i stood in clemons library and thought - strange to be here in charlottesville during term time and to feel detached from all of it, as if i no longer recognise this life. afterall, i thought, my happiness at uva was tied up with charlottesville, with all the people i loved, but not, ultimately, with my undergraduate career, which had been successful in its own way, but frequently plagued with boredom and towards the end, impatience to go on to graduate work. and afterall, i can't but agree with yen and su-lin that our undergraduate education is really just a way of paying an enormous subscription to use the libraries. i had enjoyed my time as an undergrad, but as soon as i left that life behind it meant nothing more. what is unchanged is charlottesville, the university grounds, the teachers, friends, and the beauty and familiarity. the dogwood behind miller hall - what was miller hall - the new special collections library is almost completed, i saw - and the magnolia behind the rotunda; both were in fervent bloom that day, though rain of the previous day had left some of the blossoms woebegone.

i came into charlottesville by train on a tuesday evening, later than expected, and went directly to dinner with allyson, fei and jared at bizou. instead of spring weather i met with cold rain and the linen skirts and dresses i had brought stayed folded at the bottom of my suitcase, while i huddled up in coats and turtlenecks - i daresay it was colder than it had been up in cambridge, but not unpleasantly so. home does not, i considered, need to put forth its best face for its own.

an early meeting with nohrnberg in bryan hall the next morning, a reunion that was unexpressive, comfortable and not gurgling emotional, as i was afraid it might be, although as usual i was ineloquent. the oracle wasn't to be consulted, however, and after that we had gone to the last day of the gordon avenue library book sale. he dropped me off at bryan again for my noon meeting with barbara nolan, which was quite a different sort of meeting, unfamiliar, and therefore a touch formal and reserved, but warming to the tone she set. we drove to the boar's head for lunch - a delightful first time at the boar's head, and some excellent crabcakes. lunch was not prolonged though - i had got back from the booksale late (how does one get out of the car with nohrnberg in, anyway?), and she was off to the architecture school for a meeting. i asked to be dropped off at bryan again, and went and knocked on alison milbank's door on a chance, though she was not slated for office hours or teaching that day. a voice called for me to come in, and there she was in her chair, turned towards the door and looking inviting as she ever did. she had come back to school specially to meet a student, and as a matter of fact the student didn't turn up afterall, so we had the hour to ourselves, and jolly good too, for she's upping for england at the end of may, for a new post in literature and theology at nottingham. i shall miss her terribly, i think. herbert tucker was my next stop , he had been the only one i expected to see other than the 2 big Ns, with office hours all afternoon, and even then i thought he might not have time - as the new director of graduate studies the students outside his office door have multiplied such a lot - but i waited my turn and squeezed myself into his office for a hug and brief 5 minute hello. no one else was in their office, and i sauntered into the ta lounge twice with the hope of seeing grad students i had known, but there wasn't a sleeve for the plucking, so i left defeated for an early dinner with kai-ting, who has law school to look forward to in the fall. of course, i had always expected that she would go into a graduate english program instead, though there's certainly nothing unusual about law school. kai-ting had a thesis draft due, so dinner and yoghurt at arch's took just two hours, and i went on to starbucks to meet the heins. but first, i turned down eliewood and picked up several books at heartwood. (is this not the time of the annual book feste, i wondered. - it's over for this year. - oh! ) only all the time i was thinking of daedalus and the first edition wonderful O that i had never bought and meant to and looked at each year that i had been at school. would it be too late, if i went back in september?

the heins invited me to a reading at the bookstore mezzanine, but i pleaded tiredness and an early morning departure. we walked to alderman cafe and i felt a sudden pleasure at the orange glow of the library and the tall windows framed by evening's gentle darkness. and when we arrived at the bookstore who do i run into but rita felski, whom i had not found in bryan earlier. she was delighted about the news abt harvard - there, you're made! she exclaimed! and we were laughing so much i gave her a hug and wondered how i dared i was always so sedate and reined-in in her presence before. and when i looked for the heins, who had by then seated themselves, i saw that in the row behind them neil hultgren was in the audience too. another person i was on the lookout for. i tell him the news about graduate schools and we exchanged emails, and i gave him the palm leaf bookmark i had brought for him. i had it in my bag, when i was racing down the corridors of bryan, and thought there wasn't a chance of meeting, for i was leaving early the next morning.

there is a a great deal of serendipity in this entire visit, and i am still surprised by it. save that i hadn't been able to see a few other professors, and no grad students but hultgren, and had not seen those friends outside of the university - elaine banner, or carol jackson. no visit to the saturday market, and never walked across the lawn once more... what comfort is in regretting? know for a certainty that this is a place to which i can come back, and some, though not all of these, may wait a little yet. and yet the need to return to is not clear either. returning confirmed the love that never was in true doubt, but in the confirmation also brings about a willingness to relinquish any last hold.