if this were march i could let myself go - let myself go through the natural process of grieving, and then perhaps start to pull myself together again and play catch-up - but now because of the incredibly stressful period of demands and last chances - i'm having to trying to short circuit the grieving so i can get on with the job - which allows me to work for a little while at a time - but the the exhaustion i fall into afterwards is much worse - and this alternation between forced calm and eruptions of anger and fear and grief is possibly doing me more harm.