i am eating - but i am always sick afterwards. i cry myself to sleep, and then i don't want to wake up. i'm tired all the time. very tired. when i don't feel dizzy i find myself having terrible headaches. i dragged myself off to the library to work this morning but came home after twenty minutes there. i've stopped calling home daily because - at first - i was obsessive about all the details of the funeral arrangments - but now that everything is over calling just makes me very unhappy - it seems it doesn't matter - if they're upset i get in a worse state because i'm not there, but if they're accepting and brave i'm angry at them for being able to be that, that birthdays can still happen.

i need help. i need comfort. i need the department to understand i can't do the work right now. and i need to know people are there and i need them to acknowledge that i am grieving. i need people to know that i am incapable of making huge decisions at a time where i need to make them in a great hurry. that there are physical symptoms of grieving and i need time to simply live through it. that i am angry at not getting what i need from people - but that i don't myself know what it is i need from people.