i am trying to remember when the last time was that we all had a meal together - not in january, and not at christmas, and not the winter before that it was the blizzarding winter when i was trapped in new york - too short - and i wasn't home in june - so it must have been in july - probably that would have been during sarah's or ariel's birthday, but i don't find an entry about sarah and ariel's birthday anywhere. though there must have been a birthday celebration as well - i went to it i'm sure, because i remember sarah showing off photos of her manatee. i suppose i simply didn't write about it. and here again i find a "sarah and ariel" entry on aug 7 - ariel talking about sarah's wobbly tooth - and i know ariel made that remark at lunch because he sat across me, that was when hildy came to visit, and people kept teasing her because she was working at nkf - and teasing me because of the min yin connection. we had crabs, i remember. black pepper and chili crab. children overjoyed and sarah who can do multiplication calculating pincers per head. and now looking over entries from the summer i remember now - there was a day we went to three babas - i forget what for - but in a smaller group - just the fourteen of us, without extended family. the children kept wanting to go outside because there was a playground - and ariel was eating prawns - that was july 12. - those must have been the last three family lunches i was at.

there was a period of time, in september, when my uncle was suddenly much better, and much less depressed, and started having an appetite - and that was a time when everyone's mood was high and they gave lunches - many lunches - and my uncle ate with enjoyment - and i felt terribly left out - because it was a time when i was especially unhappy in school, and they sounded like they were having a tiptop time - and everyone said silly when you come home we'll have lots more - and i so looked forward to it - to being home with them - and to see my uncle happy and well and relishing good food - but that indian summer barely lasted and i missed out on it entirely. it isn't that i feel self-pity - if this is what it all sounds like - it's just that these family lunches became a symbol of what i wanted most when i was away - the fourteen of us again - and there won't ever be the fourteen of us again.