i've been nearly all right for two days but i'm totally gone again tonight - so many administrative matters to sort out - that i've been rather numbly going about things - and of course - refuge in sleep - uneasy and prolonged and helpless exhaustion - it seems to take more energy to grieve than to work - but not only that - that once i have found sleep i am reluctant to wake up again. i spoke to my aunt for the first time since monday. they were so accepting and strong and relieved and telling me not to go to pieces and be strong and not to cry and that makes it worse - much worse. they've come to expect it these past months, and to accept it day by day, and they're there, part of that life till the very end. but i'm here and could neither share in the daily life or nor in the final collective grieving, and people are moving on, or have been prepared for it for so long, and even relieved - my father saw my cousin this morning and she was looking better - healthier and happier than he had seen her for a long time - she was so haggard through the long, difficult months of caring for my uncle in his last days - and i think of the end of kafka's metamorphosis - the sister blossoming at long last. but i can't move on it is as if that burden they were able to put down at last i now am trying to pick up.