i say to su-lin that yes i know people love me and i know that intellectually, that people do care and do worry, but sometimes it's very hard for me to feel that from where i am. and i know it's hard because people would help - willingly and unreservedly - if they could - but they don't know how because i myself don't know what i want or need from people or what would help me. i know i can't possibly expect people to be writing or calling or messaging everyday to ask how i am - but then if i hear nothing, i don't have any token of their concern, or at least some acknowledgement that they acknowledge what is happening. i seem to keep blogging for help, trying to tell even a portion of how bad i am feeling - and perhaps it's because i manage to screen most of the real pain by being able to write about it, and perhaps it's because the writing has hardened long before this, that they no longer convey the rawness of the pain, simply placing down mundane words - and all i get back is silence. su-lin says, it's not that they don't it's because no one knows how to help and no one dares to. and it's not true it's been entirely silence - dear julian came online a few days ago and said darling how are you and we chatted about penn housing for a while, and how he believes hymns can't be written anymore, in the way we can't write epics, only mock epics. and i called esme on friday and she said i could call her everyday if i like. and minyin is always there. but overwhelmingly i feel silence and indifference where i want acknowledgement.