1. i want to go home. there is no question of that. i want to be home now.

2. if i do go home i'll not be of much help flapping around being a wet hen and having to be fed and fetched and things. and already there is so much to do with a funeral on.

2. if it's just across the atlantic or to california i could just go anyway but it is home - not only the distance - but the cost - i can't manage that at short notice - it would have to be soon - i would have to leave by tomorrow to be home in time for the funeral.

3. i want to be home at this time anyway even if i don't get there in time for the funeral just to be with everyone but that also means going home and staying there at least for three or four days. it's not much good getting home for one day for the funeral and then turning around again and coming back immediately. (and if i don't get home in time for the funeral all the more reason i would want to stay a few days.)

4. i really can't take the time off, if this were the middle of the semester perhaps i could be away for two weeks but already the usual end of semester demands are upon us papers are longer and wanted earlier and there's more work for me in this than in previous semesters and i'm already behind and would be hard put to get through as it is but on top of it i have to take the general exams during reading period and that has to take priority over the course work and it's barely three weeks away i can barely do all that as it is but if i were to go away now - it isn't only that i can't afford to lose the time - but to add travelling exhaustion and jetlag and hysteria to the already mad situation - and then to come back to even less time - i can't do it.

5. i can't go home, that's right, but if i stay here i just keep crying and sleeping - how am i going to go to class tomorrow? i haven't got anything done all weekend. and i don't see me getting anything else done - when i'm not crying i'm stoning or being sick or sleeping - what i want is time alone not the madness of classes and work -