nohrnberg says - i shouldn't count on getting in here next year. that in fact, this will be the hardest school for me to get into. this terrifies me. i realise i keep thinking that i am in fact coming back in a year's time, i want this so much that in my mind it is as if i've already got my letter and everything is sure and i find myself thinking things such as where i'd like to live as if it's merely a matter of time. it seems - our department tends to avoid taking our own undergrads. even those with glowing credentials and highest distinctions have been turned away. this frightens me. what will i do if i don't come back here? but perhaps, wherever else i do find myself, i should certainly try to transfer back here. which, is not such a bad idea. i get to do coursework with new teachers and at a different school, and then i can move back to good old cville and uva and write a dissertation with nohrnberg. if he'll still have me, after the recent disaster.