at allie's apartment i became quite conscious of the absence of tv in my life. i don't tend to notice this, until i step in someone else's house. it's not that i never watched any tv, growing up, though it was probably less than the average child did, although when there's a good serial i would really follow it. but it doesn't interest me terribly, and unless there is a specific program or event i wanted to watch, parliamentary elections, or world cup matches, i wouldn't even think of turning the tv on. and i'm not even sure i'll think of getting a tv in my future home. given a choice i'd rather have a good audio system i think. over dinner we watched a little of law and order, and then over the fruit (melon and kiwi) an episode of mr sterling, a series about an unconventional californian senator, as far as i can make out. the guy is quite charming, although he got annoying after a while, to tell the truth. but i can see why people get glued to the tv. it mightn't be a particularly good program, but it's easy to be lulled into staying put and easy to take in, easy to believe or disbelieve, easy to let your mind hide away in it. and i could feel too, the pull towards it and away from people, and i thought it was a good thing tv isn't in my life. afterwards allie modelled three of her little black dresses and her graduation gown (she's shocked that i have neither collected my gown, nor got my photo taken. i just can't be bothered lah. really.) and we also looked online at four dresses i was considering buying with the delia's voucher i have. i can't decide whether to go for a long floral dress with fluttery hems (too early for chinese new year), a very sweet, knee-length pinkish diaphanous lace slip dress (too casual for the ballet, too dressy for going out with friends. more the sort of thing you put aside for a date.) a long sleeved denim wrap dress with bell sleeves (probably too hot for singapore), or a v casual girlish ivory dress that i'm already thinking of as the picnic dress. oh i am not happy. i'm not. but i am thankful for these people in my life, who have taken my mind off things for the moment and made me laugh, who have diverted my path just enough so that i didn't take another step and plunge. it was the two of them too, who had come to my room bringing food, when, towards the end of third year, i decided i couldn't stand the way i was living anymore and was quite prepared just to let myself go to pieces. when i got home, von called, and it was great to laugh out loud with him making fun of certain people who have "compassion for the world" and speaking singlish. he was also telling me how, inspired by jill ker conway, he wants to go into teaching. plus, he's definitely coming for springbreak!! maybe with yeen teck too. i don't know how to fit two boys in my room, but i guess if yeen teck comes we'll have a car so one of them can sleep at jared's. oh i always feel so happy when people say they're coming, i am mentally cooking bai mu er and longan soup already!
a vw beetle might look rather winsome, but it is no car for tall people. this i reflected as i was given a ride home yesterday in a bright orange one, trying not to bump my head on the ceiling and wondering if it is right that people given rides should have these ungrateful thoughts. last night in full morbidity i might have seriously contemplated drastic ends, the week of near weepiness and class-skipping and inability to work coming down on me at once, but i was rescued by a home-cooked meal and mindless entertainment (i.e. tv) at allyson's. she cooked chilli sotong and scallop, and prepared springrolls - the kind that is wrapped in vietnamese rice paper, with lettuce and egg and cucumber. fei brought the rice and also particularly delicious steamed cod in a sweet brown sauce with hints of caramel and plums. on the whole, very singaporean/southeast asian, and the cod reminded me of my mother's cod, prepared with lemon and honey, that i should try out. i feel touched - it was very sweet of them. i'm frequently touched by the way people offer their concern for you even at the slightest mention of pain or sadness. last night i was only looking for a dinner companion because i didn't want to stay at home and suffocate from sadness, and i messaged fei to see if she has had dinner, saying vaguely that i was in a bad state and didn't want to eat alone. the next thing i know, the phone was ringing and they were driving over to get me for dinner. (incidentally, allyson's new car, the aforementioned bright orange beetle, has a name: "orange carrot suhendra". o hilarity!) what's wrong with you, they demanded repeatedly. nothing, i said. just general dooming and glooming. afterwards, as we were cleaning up, i thought that dishwashing is really quite therapeutic. this made me chuckle to myself, becaue i'd read, on the bus a few days ago, in a diverting little book called the mezzanine, an account of the sanative effects of housecleaning, and the deadpan conclusion "from then on when i read things samuel johnson said about the deadliness of leisure and the uplifting effects of industry, i always nodded and thought of brooms"