cindy's journal announces that she is seeking a project, which is a unfamiliar sentiment to me. i have never had the desire to work or make myself in anyway economically useful. usefulness is not my sort of word. von says that every respectable human being has an urge to stand on their own two feet, seek meaningful work, and have satisfaction in earning their first paycheck. i don't. i didn't when my first cpf statement came in, from relief-teaching, on and off, at serangoon secondary. i was unhappy, and maybe uncomfortable. it isn't that money makes me unhappy or uncomfortable. i spend it quickly enough, i just don't want to have to earn it. i feel that i ought to be more - ashamed of myself - and i do feel pressured by all this industry and resourcefulness around me - but the idea of working or being a successful (or even a not so sucessful) this or that depresses me immensely. what i want is to be a tai-tai. i wonder if anyone would marry me and move near a large library so that i can be the erudite housewife that i've always wanted to be and teach my children classical chinese and latin and middle english. the housework wouldn't matter, because tai-tais have servants to do these things. von says i don't have any of the prerequisites to be a tai-tai: i can't play mahjong or bridge, and i'm not beautiful or classy and will flop in high society. this is true. perhaps i can be a karang guni woman.