so this is what has happened, to date:
    last night i try to go to bed and have what i think is a panic attack. after it passes i cry a little and make myself get up and do work.
    i even think i'm maybe being punished for not working and that if i work harder i'll get over it.
    i do some work and manage even to banter with cindy a little and go to sleep.
    i have nightmares and keep waking up, and also the snow plough woke me up twice.
    i finally get to some sleep after that and then i have another nightmare
    i wake up suddenly from that and again an attack of intense chest pains and tightness and hot flashes and palpitations
    eventually it fades.
    no one is online this time and von is not yet awake i get extremely afraid of being alone so messaged minyin to come online.
    after a little while julian also happened to come on so talked a little to him.
    then he goes to bed and she goes to bed and i call von again who gives me stern talking to
    and i get upset again
    but take advice and sit down and write emails to cristina and katharine for more stout advice.
    i message su-lin and get her online so that i won't be alone.
    i talk to her and try to calm down. i draft letter to dgs but it all sounds trite and artificial.
    yen comes on and we all try to be comforting and draft letter.
    cristina mails me and gets me to calm down and to realise there will still time to ask for an incomplete later so i should give myself more time to rest and take medication and work on before asking dgs for incomplete.
    i calm down a little but go to urgent care to get the pains checked out.
    they say it was a case of acute anxiety approaching/triggering panic attack and prescribe tranquilisers.
    come home and katharine has mailed and says also there is still time for the incomplete if necessary and to stay calm and rest and see a doctor and offers encouragement to sort things through
    i remember obligations and go to feed cat and fill prescription.
    i still have no appetite but in the square so made self get dinner and even take food out against anticipation of more snow tomorrow.
    i can't keep the dinner down.
    i come home and feel angry with self and wondering if i have just wasted my whole day and feel something coming on and quickly take pills.
    am now sitting around breathing slowly and making light talk with cindy and caijing online and waiting to drop off to sleep.